I was at university when I first went for help for feeling suicidal. I think I saw a psychiatrist or psychologist for the first time during my GCSEs when I was thrown out of home for a few months. I definitely saw a social worker in these few months I was in a children’s home and foster home but I don’t remember feeling suicidal then.
I went to see a counsellor when I became suicidal when I was at university and she told me to get over it. I think it’s because she had no empathy for suicidal individuals so she just saw the reason to die not the pain worse than death. It was for lost love and a broken heart and as is typical of mental health professionals they have no empathy. I think you might recognise why I don’t see the reason to die as what is necessary to recognise just how beyond awful it is to feel suicidal because I’m not a mental health professional. I understand the awfulness of feeling suicidal irrespective of the reason to die.
I think I was suicidal then for a few months to a year. I don’t remember exactly how long before my suicidality ended.
Then at the age of 25 I was sectioned for the first time and I was broken then. Before I was 25 I had high hopes for my future but not since then.
I saw a private psychiatrist who gave me a label of mental illness and told me my brain was defective. When I was 25 and before I was sectioned I had experiences of a higher power and an invisible power – the psychiatrist explained these experiences as the product of my defective brain. This was about two decades ago.
This defective brain idea it broke me. I think many in my life had thought I was crazy but getting a clinical diagnosis and being told my brain was defective it is something that shattered my psyche and my ego.
I stayed suicidal for a prolonged period during being treated by this private psychiatrist and afterwards. Between the age of 25-30 made at least two suicide attempts and was sectioned again at least twice.
I do remember stopping feeling suicidal for a while then being forced off benefits then I managed to get a job at (national) Mind. I didn’t stop not feeling suicidal for long.
During my first year at Mind I experienced unusual experiences of consciousness and they were beyond awful. I was suicidal and I couldn’t go for help because I didn’t want to be sectioned and I couldn’t stop working because I’d be unable to pay my rent. My quality of life was beyond awful for at least a few months while I experienced what you might call psychosis.
In fact the experience I recognise as the gods making me wake up to their existence for the second time. The first time was when I was 24 and it was an amazing experience but it was dismissed as the product of a brain defect. The second time it was hell. I found an invisible power had power over me and my body and my thoughts and my voice. There was an element of external reality also being controlled and frightening synchronicity beyond chance. I could barely work and I’d probably have been fired if I didn’t work at a mental health charity. I was suicidal and had awful quality of life and my reality was a nightmare as I found myself controlled by a higher power but I kept on working as the gods brutality made me wake up to their existence.
Then in the space of a couple of weeks this brutal experience abated and I felt happier but still suicidal. I continued to work and I continued to be suicidal. During my second year at Mind I think others would have seen a crazy happy and passionate individual but I was still suicidal. I would run around the office having read a research paper about researchers investigating the effect of sex on a neurotransmitter by manually masturbation of rats to make them climax and would make my colleagues laugh but I woke up in the morning feeling suicidal.
In my second year there I left and I had a few months not feeling suicidal but also not really wanting to live either.
There was a moment of happiness either during or after these few months. I was in Brighton co take photos of a charity shop for Mind. I had the feeling of happiness of the sun on my face and I felt suicidal. Why? Because I knew that happiness is fleeting but pain is constant.
It was a prophetic suicidal thought. I became suicidal again and spend the next decade feeling suicidal. To this day.
In all this last decade I have faced so much brutal cruelty and horrific quality of life and so so many suicidal thoughts and feelings. What I see is evil never satiated when making me want to die that’s all you protect by denying me my death.
What I see is a punishment too cruel to do to anyone that’s the last decade and beyond this that’s only possible by denying me my death. I do not see care in all the brutality of the cruelty and evil I’m denied my death so the monsters who call themselves the human race can make their evil and cruelty unlimited.
You think the protection of the vulnerable is to leave suicidal individuals to the merciless winds of human cruelty and evil and that’s only furthered by the criminalisation of assisted suicide.
Any sense of care relies on empathy and understanding for my being to protect me – this has never happened throughout my existence. My life is all about my pain and consent being ignored. My life has so much suicidality in it not because of care but the lack of care based on empathy and understanding for my being.
A decade ago I’d faced too much suicidality already and that’s the proof the competency to care about me doesn’t exist. I had faced too much unlimited suffering and unlimited cruelty a decade ago by any humane standard. This is what I mean about the lies you tell me when you say you care about me. Even now it’s all about forcing me to suffer and endure against my will.
But it’s because what your definition of the protection of suicidal individuals is is the will to achieve unlimited suffering and unlimited cruelties. It’s your will to leave suicidal individuals to face the merciless winds of human cruelty and evil and that’s what is the criminalisation of assisted suicide.
I have given you conservative estimates of the monumental extent of my suicidality.
- The last decade spent suicidal
- Half the days of my adulthood spent suicidal
- A third of the years of my life spent suicidal for at least a few months
You bear this and you tell me you care about me?
In the name of getting whatever you want from me you ignore my pain and you ignore my consent. You are lying to yourself if you believe you care about me. You care about getting whatever you want from a suicidal individual and in this pursuit you ignore my pain and my consent as well as ignore the cruelty and evil in your methods.
I have had to remember what I do not want to remember. To make you understand what I mean when I say you are lying to yourself if you believe you care about me. You don’t bear so much suicidality to be forced on anyone when you care. You don’t bear so much unlimited cruelties and evils to be done to a suicidal individual when you care.
You don’t serve the objectives of making the suffering of suicidal individuals even more unlimited or making the cruelty the monsters who call themselves the human race want to do to a suicidal individual unlimited in the name of care. You serve and protect the minds of monsters not suicidal individuals.
I scold you but you are not alone in making me a slave to human cruelty and evil. This might make you feel better but how do you think it feels like when so so many want to make me a slave to human cruelty and evil – but that’s what is protected by the criminalisation of assisted suicide from vast amounts of personal experience.
Whatever evil and cruelty the monsters who call themselves the human race want to do to me. You care about this. So I don’t even have the right to use my death and the protection of assisted suicide to keep me safe.
a thing that defines the competency to care 